last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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