He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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