how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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