Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
