So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
