im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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