Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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