I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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