If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
