So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
