I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
