How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My feet surprised me
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
