I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
