I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
