Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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