here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
