Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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