I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
