Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
