My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
