weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You have to summon your inner elephant
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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