Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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