i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
