the condom got lost in my hair
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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