I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
