I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
