walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
