Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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