Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
