My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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