Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
