I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
