I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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