just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
