My first STD was from a foam party
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
