If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Randomize
