Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
