Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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