You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
