My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
