Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
