Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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