I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
