I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
