What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
