Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize