Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
