It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
time to smoke my breakfast
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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