Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
