Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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