just come out here and I will go home with you...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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