When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize