Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
