I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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