I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
