He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
