From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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