I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
