Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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