I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
how drunk are you?
Several
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
