I'm so fucking centered right now
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My bed smells like the plague
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
