it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I want a musical about memes.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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