apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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