Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize