Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
