Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
