I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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