life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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