I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We have started to decorate penises.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
