I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
