I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
