I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
it's like iHOP with fire
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
