I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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